


The Mystery of the Manbavaran Mushrooms

by parlath



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Chairfic, Chairs, Crackfic rarepair for the hell of it, F/F, Insanity, M/M, Multi, Mushrooms, Need more AO3 tags, Randomness, Too much Twitch chat, crackfic, inanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 13:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14619330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parlath/pseuds/parlath
Summary: Akko wakes up to a trashed room, and a trash explanation.Mushroom induced insanity, courtesy of Sucy.(I don't know what I was thinking.)





	The Mystery of the Manbavaran Mushrooms

**Author's Note:**

> You can blame the chat in Rachelle Heger (Sucy)'s last FF12 stream, and her Nancy Drew ones in general, for this - it was a weird and wonderful thing, that touched on many topics, most of which inspired what's to follow. I'm sorry.

_What is... **this**?! _ Aghast at the nightmarish display before her, Akko whimpered and tried to turn her head away. _And why can't I move?_ She managed to roll over, which allowed her to see a pentagram marking the floor underneath the scattered and disembowelled teddy bears. This new revelation only furthered her panic, as did the creaking sound of someone descending the basement stairs. Akko tried yelling for help, but she could only produce a low wail.

“Good, you're awake” Sucy's familiar voice chuckled, as she entered Akko's vision. _Did she get taller?_ “I should have known you'd find my toy-room... hehheh” the pale girl added, as she slowly lifted Akko up. _I guess I turned myself into an animal in my sleep, again_ Akko pondered, trying to rationalise the fact Sucy now towered over her. _But why can't I talk? I feel too big to be a worm. They don't have mouths, I think. Maybe I'm a fat worm._

As she was carried into the upstairs room, Akko managed to glance about their surroundings. _I don't recognise this house at all... and weren't we at Luna Nova?_ When they passed a mirror, her panic re-emerged violently. _I'm a BABY?!_ Screaming, she managed to kick at Sucy's arm. “Tcch. **Fine** ” Sucy grumbled, before producing a pacifier from seemingly nowhere. “This ought to shut you up” she declared, sliding the mushroom-flavoured item into Akko's open mouth. _I... guess this doesn't taste so bad_ Akko decided, settling into Sucy's firm grasp as she was carried outside. The skyline didn't resemble Luna Nova or the surrounding town, as Sucy continued to march for a few minutes. “We're here!”

 _But where is 'here'?_ Managing to look down, Akko lashed out with her kicks, much harder this time. An endless void seemed to stretch out before them, as if they had reached a literal edge of the world. _**What is going ON?!**_ Her grin spreading to reveal her teeth, Sucy gently rubbed Akko's tiny arm. “Akko... this is what you deserve” she proudly announced, before plunging them both out over the drop and into nothingness.

_No no nonononono **nono!!**_

* * *

A sudden sharp pain flashed through Akko's head, as she snapped awake. Groaning, her stupor quickly vanished when she could barely move her legs. “No, I don't _want_ to be a baby!”

A loud laugh sounded from the other side of the room, as Akko realised she was just entangled in her bedsheets. “That must have been _some_ dream” Amanda noted, reclining on Sucy's bed. “You were screaming, even before you fell out of bed.”

Akko tried to remember her dream, but found only a few hazy images. “... I think someone murdered the teddy bears?”

“If you say so” Amanda shrugged. “ **You** had the awareness to go to bed, so I guess it didn't hit you too bad.”

“... Hit me?” Akko repeated, staring around the room. Several pieces of Constanze's AV equipment were set up. “Oh! Now I remember – weren't we watching a movie?”

Snorting at the obvious comment, Amanda nodded. “Until Sucy spiked us all with 'shrooms. I don't know where she got _this_ batch, but they blew everyone's head off.”

“ **I know where... but you narcs will just tell the police!** ” a Stanbot wearing heavy sunglasses squawked, from a dark corner of the room.

Akko frowned at it, before looking around again. “I found Constanze's laptop. If that's stilll here, then she must be here too” she said out loud to herself, while checking underneath the bunk-bed. Checking the screen, Akko winced. “Oh yeah, we were playing weird Roblox games... no wonder I had strange dreams, I guess. But why is this map of Blytonbury marked with target signs?”

“ **Constanze took an army of us to the woods. To hunt Mermen.** ”

“She'll be fine, with them to help her” Amanda decided. “... Hopefully she doesn't zap another camera crew this time. That Attenborough guy is **still** pissed off we ruined his filming.”

Grimacing at the mention of that particular misadventure, Akko finally noticed Lotte's prone body slumped over the desk. “... She slept there?”

“Looks like – she'll be stiff when she wakes up” Amanda whistled, holding up some bits of paper. “She had these, scattered around her when I got back. It starts out like her usual Nightfall stuff; Arthur and Edgar going at it like rabbits... but-”

“But what?” Akko asked, when she just trailed off.

“ **Butt stuff?** ”

“... They're both chairs, for some reason” Amanda answered, waving one page about in confusion. “Chairs that know some inventive positions.”

“Oh... kay?” Akko offered. “And I thought the lion one was weird...”

“Leave it to Lotte, to write a slashfic while she's tripping balls” the American witch grinned.

“... Do you know where the others are?” Akko asked, finally abandoning her search under the beds.

“Hell if I know” Amanda scoffed. “Sucy's probably hiding until we all come down. I realised pretty quick she'd shroomed us again, so I left and went out to the Leyline. The colours were _fantastic_ , I remember that much.”

Forcing itself upright, the Stanbot waddled over to the large TV screen. “ **One of the Cavendish minions left a message.** ” It disconnected the DVD player, and inserted the loose USB cable into one of its sockets. Hannah's face appeared on the screen, glaring at the camera.

“Right, I think this is working now” she barked, tapping something.

“ **Yes. Leave your message** ” the recording Stanbot replied.

“I don't know what happened” Hannah began, furious. “But I'm sure it's Akko and Sucy's fault!”

“Hey!” Akko protested.

“Don't forget O'Neil” Barbara's voice added, off-screen.

“Wasn't me, this time” Amanda gloated, walking over to watch.

“Or her, I guess” Hannah's image continued. “We found Diana, ransacking our room. Saying she needed her passport!”

“For Wisconsin!” Barbara chimed in, again. “Didn't seem to matter _where_ in Wisconsin – she didn't even know what the capital was, when we tried to calm her down with some questions.”

“Guess she wanted cheese” Amanda muttered.

“She started babbling something about an unsolved stabbing in a bank, and how Aunt Daryl's friend invited her to come solve it” Hannah groaned, throwing up her hands in exasperation.

“And that we should tell someone named _Ned_ to 'shut up, and take a hint it's over'” Barbara finally appeared on-screen.

“She started calling us Bess and George, before we got her to bed” Hannah huffed. “... This is why we don't hang out with you freaks!”

“... I don't **mind** being called Bess” Barbara weakly smiled.

“No, Fran! We're not letting her rename us after a TV reference again. I don't **care** if it's easier for her to remember!” Hannah hissed. Turning back to the camera, she sighed. “We tried going to Professor Urs.. Char... whatever we're meant to call her now, for help!”

“That's when things got really weird” Barbara complained.

“Her room had weird smelling biscuits cooling on the table, when we walked in-” Hannah grumbled.

“Oh yeah – she said getting spiked 'reminds me of being on tour as Chariot'” Amanda said, pausing the video. “She grabbed the leftover mushrooms, and said she was gonna make the other Professors eat them, at the next meeting. I _think_ she took Jasminka, to help her bake shroom cookies.”

“... Wait, did she just say they're _not_ called Hanna-Barbera?” Akko asked, looking for the rewind button.

Amanda blocked her, ready to resume the footage. “We can check their student records later. I wanna know what weirded them out!”

“-walked in. We could hear muffled voices, so we went up the stairs...” Hannah's face shuddered. “... She had Jasminka, dressed up like Professor Croix! They were **making out!** ”

“I guess her hair colour reminded Ursula-” Barbara began, before Hannah slammed a hand into the other girl's face and shoved her off-screen.

“URGH! No, I'm **not** thinking about it!” Hannah screeched, before holding up her wand. “So I'm leaving you idiots this message, and then I'm going to find a memory spell to make Diana, Barbara and I forget this ever happened! But rest assured, I hate you all right now.”

“You mean 'Diana, _Bess_ and I'” an indignant, muffled voice protested.

“No, I **don't!** And you, robot, stop filming!” Hannah ordered, as the footage faded out.

“Who's this Ned?! If Diana's cheating on me...” Akko screamed into her pile of sheets, still on the floor.

“Pfft, calling _us_ idiots” Amanda snorted. “She's the one stupid enough to leave us with something we can play back to her later, so the whole memory charm thing is a waste of time!”

“Actually, it'll be quite useful” Headmistress Holbrook announced, her and Professor Finnelan silently appearing in the now open doorway.

“ **It's the fuzz! Run!** ” Stanbot squealed, tripping over the still-attached USB cord.

With her usual scowl, Finnelan shoved Sucy and Jasminka inside, both looking satisfied, as Constanze sheepishly followed. Scooping up the panicking Stanbot, Constanze handed it and a piece of paper to the waiting Professor.

“ **Not the factory reset!** ” it wailed, as Finnelan began pressing several buttons.

“And this will erase any record of the whole mess?” she asked, with Constanze grunting in affirmation.

“ **Stanbot rebooting: final confirmation of hard drive full wipe?** ” A faint chime sounded, after she held down a button for a few seconds. “ **Complete** ”

“... I was not expecting _this_ , when Miss England asked about memory spells” Holbrook groaned “I certainly don't want to **deal** with it all, either.” She produced her wand, and instantly cast a memory erasure hex upon the assembled young witches. “Good thing I was able to wipe Ursula's memory, while she's still asleep. _She_ might have been troublesome.”

Blinking from the flash of light, the Red and Green teams looked around the trashed room in confusion before Finnelan coughed to get their attention.”I order you to clean up this mess! It may be your day off, but this is still atrocious!”

“Agreed” Holbrook nodded. “And we had better not be disturbed for the rest of the day, girls. Or there will be consequences.”

Shutting the door behind them, the two faculty members walked down the quiet hallway. Ignoring the muffled echo of Akko wondering what happened, Finnelan opened a service door that led outside. “I still think we should expel the entire lot of them. _More_ dead birdwatchers, thanks to the German girl... ”

“Too much paperwork, when we can just have the fairies bury this lot in secret again” Holbrooke shrugged. “And I don't need the hassle of finding _another_ new Professor. We still haven't replaced Croix, yet.”

“Hrmm, true. At least _tell_ us who you hire, this time” Finnelan complained. “If Ursula had known Croix was coming, she could have warned us and saved us from that entire fiasco!”

“Meh. It all worked out okay, I suppose” Holbrook mumbled, patting the box under her arm. “But we've still got half a box of these mushrooms to get rid of. Care to sit in the Leyline with me, for a while? “ she asked with a glassy smile.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still sorry. Kind of. The running jokes kept on running.
> 
> Holbrook as an ancient stoner makes too much sense, now I think about it; I'm just going to pretend that's canon.


End file.
